Why was there not a class at school called “How to Make a Phone Call and Sound Like a Human and Not an Anxious Moron?” I would really like to know why the government did not see fit to chuck that into the curriculum at any stage.
Nowadays I pick up the phone and my hands are so slick with sweat before I dial that I’m scared the phone will shoot out of my hand as it’s ringing and slide away someone. I can almost here the tiny person on the other end of the line yelling “Hello? This had better not be a prank call!” while I take a shower and use my inhaler.
And I honestly have no idea where this fear of telephonic communication spawned from. I have always hated asking people for favours over the phone but the last couple of years, every time I had to make a call I would write down the details and
accidentally’ leave them by dads phone while I ran errands.
I guess in these modern times it’s fairly normal to go weeks or even months between actual phone to ear conversations. I mean, that’s why we all have messenger right? Because emojis can do all that talking for us?
But I realised recently that on the rare occasion I do make a call I sound RIDICULOUS because I am so nervous that I can’t get real words out. I have, once or twice even hung up on the lady at the bank because I was breathing too hard to tell her my customer number without sounding like a creepy old guy on one of those dirty sex phone lines.
Today I had to make some fairly important calls to some new undergrad students at my uni and boy oh boy was I a wreck. Despite having spent an hour that morning doing my calming yoga and telling myself to breathe, the second I punched the number in I started quivering like a leaf of the edge of autumn. And of the twenty odd calls I made, I made it to the answering machine twelve times. Didn’t leave a single message because by the time the beep finally came around I was all choked up and clammy.
I left my room feeling like I needed a glass of scotch and a cigarette and I have asthma so lord knows I was desperately emotional.
I would like to say the more calls I make, the better I get. But sadly, I think they’ll have invented moisture wicking phone cases before I get up the gall to call anyone with anything more important than “Is talk a good time to now?”*
*Yes I really said that.
**I’m embarrassed for me too.