It’s been eventful. Tumultuous. Crazy. Hectic. Stressful. A bloody nightmare and a golden age.
Suffice to say my year has not at all panned out like I expected, in fact it’s taking so many unexpected turns along the way that I’m finally experiencing what it’s like to live life without a road map. Take it all day by day.
Post break up I did what any emotionally suppressed young adult does, and threw myself into my studies. Big time. Only I hadn’t anticipated that I was in for the semester from hell. Twelve weeks of tears and miniature breakdowns later, I came away with a credit-distinction average and had to grit my teeth and call it a success.
But what I hadn’t expected was that all those feelings about what was happening in my personal and academic life would have an impact on my social life. It suddenly blossomed. Like a butterfly from its cocoon or a raging hobo from its cardboard box, my sociable side came out to play. For the first time in my life I felt a real sense of security in my relationships with other human beings. Oddly enough, a lot of my anxieties over the years had spurred from a sense of insecurity. In the months following my breakup I reached out to other people, and had them reach out to me. I had never felt so completely and utterly supported by the people in my life. That social side solidified friendships, made some new ones and rekindled all kinds of bubbly emotional fun stuff that I thought had died when I was twelve.
The future is now looking more promising than it did this time last year. My plans are less definite than they were, but that sensation of letting go of your supposed ideal life is amazingly freeing. I am set to move out soon, head overseas for he first time. I am driving my own car, working and living from my own pockets and developing this sense of independance that I had not realised I needed. In the months that have passed since my relationship ended, I have had plenty of time to reflect. And in all honesty I think a lot of the progress I’m making has its roots in the lessons he was trying to teach me. I couldn’t grow within the relationship, but on my own I am able to put those lessons into practice, to learn and develop without fearing the person I might become. Because I can see the image of her already, and she is confident and strong. She is a capable woman. And as it turned out, she didn’t need a man, she just needed to know who her real friends were.
Love and cuddles to all of you. Even the ones who I haven’t spoke to in a while. Those brief moments of connection between us gave me a strength I couldn’t have found on my own.